When we first moved to Japan, we didn't intend to start a family here. One of those "if it happens, then it happens" things.
We both fell in love with the Japanese culture as soon as we moved here. We love exploring and learning about this beautiful place. We have been 'attempting' to learn the language as well. Okinawans are some of the most gracious and kind people I have ever met. They are an impeccably polite and traditional people. One of the things that amazed me the most is how content people are. I remember tutoring a group of middle-aged businessmen in English. I asked them "if you could do any job, what would it be?" They were puzzled by my question. They said that they would work the job they were currently working (they were salesmen). I responded, "no, no, any job in the world. You could just pick up any job and be good at it, what would you do?" They looked at me like I was crazy. I finally asked "what did you want to be when you a child?" They responded again that they would be salesmen, because it was what their father did. I found this very different from the American ideal of trying to be better than your parents. Americans love an underdog that beats the odds and becomes so much more. These gentlemen were very content with their lives and their jobs because that is what was expected of them.
The Japanese also value tradition, nature, and beauty so much. I love how they preserve beautiful waterfalls and how much they love to hike and walk. They honor their family for generations. They treat their elders very kindly and take care of them so differently than Americans tend to. They are so careful to preserve tradition. I think they have a wonderful way of living life.
However, Japanese have a very different view of orphans. I volunteered a few times at an orphanage and I started to do research on these adorable orphans and what I learned broke my heart. I wrote a post on this back in July, but I'll summarize because this influenced our decision to adopt.
There are about 40,000 orphans in Japan but only 9% ever get adopted. Japan does have some foster homes, but only 12% of those 40,000 orphans are in foster homes. Children in orphanages are destined to have a very challenging life; most orphans only get a junior high level education.
More importantly, the Japanese keep elaborate family records called a Koseki. In the Koseki, someone like an employer or potential spouse will look up a person's family history. Employers will not hire someone without a good family background. A child whose parent was a criminal is viewed as likely to be a criminal someday. A child who is an orphan is viewed as having irresponsible parents, and will likewise grow up to be irresponsible. For orphans, with their weak education and a bad family record, its almost impossible for them to succeed in life and will be mistreated, and may turn to crime or end up homeless.
Because family and bloodlines are such an important part of this society, adopting a child also has a stigma. It is viewed as strange and shameful. If a Japanese family adopts, the family will often move to a new city and tell their new neighbors that the adopted child is their own so that no one knows of the adoption.
Orphanages do their best to provide a caring environment for these kids. However, you can image how hard it is for these kids. They simply cannot get the care and love that every chid should have. They will be bullied and ignored. Infants risk development delays and other stumbling blocks because of the nature of the homes. There just aren't enough workers to provide for all of their needs.
Knowing all of this, we started to do research on how to adopt from Japan. It is extremely difficult. There are very few agencies in the States that even attempt it. We talked to anyone that knew anything about Japanese adoption. I reached out to adoption social workers and kept probing. I'm not sure what drove us to search so hard and so far but we were driven to explore every option possible. We found at least one agency in Japan that did toddler adoptions, but we really wanted an infant for our first child so we kept digging. On a random facebook page, I found a post about a Japanese agency that might work with Americans. I hunted down their facebook page and website. It was all in Japanese, but I was encouraged when I found Bible verses on the very first page of their site. I sent them an email anyways hoping that maybe they spoke a little English.
They did speak English. About two weeks later, I received an email back and learned that there was a slight chance. We could do the homestudy and get the paperwork knowing that there was a good chance we wouldn't receive a child. We knew that it might not happen, but the 'maybe' was enough, so we chose to try. About a month after we finished our homestudy, I had a conversation with one of the ladies at the agency and was very discouraged with our chances of adoption. It would have to be a true orphan (no father in the picture), most likely a disability of some kind, and the mother must choose an international family, which is very rare in this culture.
Two weeks later, we received the call that we had been picked. A woman who had an extremely difficult life wanted her child to go to an American family. We were shocked and over the moon excited, but so surprised as well. It was a Christmas miracle for us. This baby had been conceived before I had even started to research Japanese adoption. God had handpicked this baby and directed us straight towards this child.
Kai was born three days after we learned about him. Because we knew the possibility of receiving a baby was so low, we had only told close family and friends. We hadn't purchased any furniture or read many books. I hadn't mentioned to any of my piano students that we were trying to adopt. It seemed like such a far away, impossible thing that I wasn't prepared.
After Kai was born, we had five days to prepare. We had crazy, awesome, fun shopping trips. People I barely knew showered us with gifts and helped us prepare. We were completely overwhelmed and blessed with the support we received from the military community. My friends dropped everything to celebrate and shop with me.
We flew to mainland Japan four days after Kai was born. We held our breath the entire next day waiting to hear if Kai's birth mom had signed the paperwork. We tried to go sightseeing, but I was so nervous we ended up sitting in a coffee shop for hours talking and praying. It was the longest day of our lives. Hearing that she signed and our baby was ours was the most exhilarating feeling of my life.
The next morning we went to the hospital to meet our son. I had never seen anything so beautiful and precious. My heart broke for his mother in that moment. I was so excited for Rob and I and so in love with Kai, but I wanted to cry for her. I can't imagine how impossibly hard it was to give up this perfect child. I can't imagine how brave and selfless and loving this woman is. She carried this adorable angel for nine months and then gave him to me. It would have been so easy for her to try to keep him, even though she wasn't able to care for him. The moment I met him, I loved him more than life. I can only imaging how she felt about him. I am so thankful for her sacrifice and I pray that she is at peace with it.
Kai. He was perfect. The moment when I first got to hold him was the best moment of my life. He became mine in that moment. He became my life. He became my baby. He became the one that I would do anything for. I had been so afraid that I wouldn't feel like a mom, that it would feel strange because I hadn't carried him. From the first moment, Kai was my son and nothing could ever change that. I am Kai's mom. I fiercely fell in love with him.
We spent the next few days at a midwife's home learning how to care for our new baby. We learned about feeding, changing diapers, and giving baths. We played cards and talked about our new life. It was the best weekend we ever had. We enjoyed watching Kai and learning about him.
We flew back to Okinawa when Kai was eight days old. It was four days before Christmas and all we wanted to do was love on our perfect Christmas miracle. We spent Christmas playing games with our friends Amanda and Drew. It was simple and perfect. We relaxed and Kai was cuddled by all.
Since then, we have started the frustrating and long adoption process. We are getting paperwork translated. We are spending days writing legal forms in kanji. We are waiting for social workers and Japanese nurses to visit. We are trying to understand a legal system that is so different than our own. We are waiting on the agency in Tokyo to send us documents that we can't read. We are having moments of miscommunication with our agency. It can be so difficult and trying and frustrating. I cannot wait for the process to be over. However, I would do anything for Kai. I would go through all of this over and over for him. It doesn't matter what we have to do, we will do it for him.
Kai is now almost two months old. Being his momma is the best gift God has ever given me. I am so honored that we were chosen to raise this baby.
That is such a beautiful and heartwarming post. I can't see through my tears to type this. Caitlin, you and Rob have such strong, huge, good hearts, it is no small wonder that Kai has come to you. You are amazing individuals, but as a couple you are magical. You are his blessing just as he is yours. We are all so very happy for you, and thrilled that he is part of the family!
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